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ONLY IN AMERICA...
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines
with Braille lettering.
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept
through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was
napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic
boy seated in the
chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty
!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back
asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord
and Savior?"
But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to
the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the
teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What
did Eve say to Adam
after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny Jabbed her
with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that
damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Teacher fainted.
Banner supplied
by SAFE Audit
Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no
professionals."
-Yo mama's so fat, even Bill Gates couldn't afford
to pay for her liposuction
-Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass she has to make two trips.
-Yo mama's so fat, when she dances she makes the band skip.
-Yo mama's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the
doctor gave her 13 years to live.
-Yo mama's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
-Yo mama's so fat, her cereal bowl came with
a lifeguard.
-Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued on other
side."
-Yo mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
-Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum
Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"
-Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the
milk carton.
-Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator,
it HAS to go down.
-Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.
-Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.
-Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
-Your mama so fat she has more rolls then a bakery
-Your mama so fat that when she got into her
yellow bathing
suit and went off a diving board, everyone screemed "THE
SUN'S FALLING DOWN!"
Yo Mama So Fat....
...she jumped on a scale and it said "to be continued"
...she jumped on a scale and it said "one at a time please"
...she jumped on a dollar and got four quarters
...her ass has it's own area code
...her measurements are 36-24-36, and her other arm is just as big
...when God said let there be light, he told her to move her ass over
...she smokes a turkey after sex
Yo Mama's so old...
...she was in Jesus's yearbook
...when God said let there be light, she flipped the switch
...her driver's license number is one
Yo Family's So Poor...
...your house has a kickstand
...you have to go home and take off your clothes so your father has pants
to go to work
...when I saked where the bathroom was, you said "third jar to the
left".
Yo House is so Nasty...
...you wipe your feet before going out
Yo Mama's So Stupid...
...she thought a quaterback is a refund
...I gave a penny for her thoughts and got change back
Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry!
Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl!
Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a chinese phone book!
Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!
Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up!
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiles, traffic slows down!
Yo mama like a rifle... four cocks and she's loaded!!
You're so stupid you threw a rock at the ground and missed
You're so stupid that you triped over a cordless phone
You're so ugly, that when you were born and the doctor looked at your face,
he turned you over and said "Hey, look twins"
You're so fat that everytime you turn around, it's your birthday.
Free
Software
A man is found in the snow in a remote mountain
area. There are no tracks leading to or from his body. He didn't
die of hunger, thirst, or cold. It was ruled that he died paetly because
of the pack on his back. What was in the pack?
CLICK
HERE FOT THE ANSWER
By coincidence, nearby was the body of a woman who
had been killed by the pack on her back. It was determined that
she had been walking alone and that on other person was near he when she
died. What happened?
CLICK
HERE FOR ANSWER
CHAT
UNDER CONSTRUCTION
MOVIE
To restart movie, highlight
it and click refresh above
Free
Stuff
Pardon the language, but I think you'll get
the point.
Nine Things that Piss Me Off
1. People who point at their wrist while
asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is
yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I
ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy
considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their
ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk
to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?
5. When people say "It's always in the last place you
look." Of course it is.
Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it?
6. When people say, while watching a movie
"Did you see that?" No ASSHOLE, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare
at the friggin ceiling up there.
7. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".....
Didn't really give me a
choice, did ya there buddy?
8. When something is "new and improved,"
Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If
it's an improvement, then it must not be the first one!!
9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know
how fast you were going? You should know asshole you fucking pulled me over!
If you know any JoKeS you would like to see on this website,
or if you would like to contact me just for fun, contact me at
xtwister161@netzero,net.
Last updated: 4/12/00
